Broken Bird

Dear Whoever You Are,

A couple years ago I dated a woman named Jessica (not her real name, of course).  Very sweet and very, very cute.  I liked her right away and it seemed she felt the same way about me.  Unfortunately, over the course of a few weeks she became less and less communicative.  When she finally got in touch, she began to share more of the full scope of her life situation… and it wasn't good.  

We started spending time together again, more as friends, really.  I did what I could to help her.  I was understanding.  I was sympathetic.  All very noble, right?  Perhaps.  When I look back on it now, I can clearly see that there was something else in the back of my mind.  While I truly felt bad for her and wanted better for her, deep down I thought that if I could somehow be that caring friend and/ or help her conquer her inner demons, she might start seeing me as more than a friend.  

This is something often called Broken Bird Syndrome (variously known as Broken Wing, White Knight or Prince Charming Syndrome).  While it’s great to help others, being a “White Knight” in this case is not as altruistic at first seems, even if one’s motivation feels heroic on the surface.  When one has that “when I rescue you, you will then fall for me” mojo going (even if it lurks in the back of the mind) that’s just not going to result in a healthy relationship.

Ultimately (of course), things didn't work out.  Spending time with her started taking more and more out of me. It got to the point where every time we were together, she would end up in tears for one reason or another.  It wouldn't have been so bad, but she never seemed to take the necessary steps to right any of the wrongs in her life.  It was as if she was satisfied with her status quo and worse yet, didn't feel that she deserved any better.

Ultimately (of course) I had to walk away.  I was expending a huge amount of emotional energy for her, energy better spent on my children and my goals (the fact that she wanted to borrow money for rent might have had something to do with it too).  I realized that, as much as I may have wanted to, I couldn't fix her.

As for you, my future paramour:

I don’t mind if your life isn't perfect, and in fact I am more than willing to help you through any rough waters you might encounter.  Here’s the thing, though… you have to put in the effort too.  I’m more than happy to be your cheering section and encourage you if things get tough.

So let’s make a deal… I will have your back if you need it, just as I hope you’ll have mine.

I’ll hold you if you cry.

I’ll make you smile when you don’t think you can.

I’ll listen if you need to vent.

I’ll be there for you 100%.

And I won’t let you forget how amazing you are, even (especially) if you doubt it for a moment.

But what I won’t do is try to fix you.  That’s your job, not mine.