Screen Door

Dear Whoever You Are,

I have the best Facebook chats on early Saturday mornings.

First, some background.  I had this girlfriend a while back.  We had some wonderful times together, but ultimately we got to where our relationship wasn't going to go any further.  It wasn't much fun for either party when things ended, but I learned a lot from our time together and even more from our separation (all lessons that I will take heed of when I meet you).  In any case, we have since managed to forge a pretty solid friendship.

So we were Facebook chatting this morning.  She has met a fellow that she has some interest in.  By all accounts, he’s a pretty nice guy (I would expect no less) and he seems to give her some measure of comfort and happiness.  It appears that more could be at hand for them.  For my part, I am all for it. She is my friend and I want happiness for her.  

She shared that, relative to the aforementioned gentleman, she’s been feeling a bit vulnerable of late. Like most of us, she’s not a huge fan of feeling that way.  I certainly don’t fault her for that.  It’s a scary proposition to hand someone your heart and presume that they will handle this fragile thing with all due care.  

I think, though, the prospect of what could be is well worth any risk.  

My friend is being smart about how she proceeds.  She’s looking at this person and this situation through a metaphorical screen door. She’s there and involved, but still being careful with her heart.  I get it.  I've been hurt too, and it’s human nature to want to avoid that.  Also, I've seen far too many people leap headlong into a situation they probably shouldn't be in, with a person that’s maybe not right for them and she’s certainly far too smart than to go that route.

Ultimately one has to open that door, however.  I hope she will get to that point where she feels safe and comfortable and will open that metaphorical screen door to let this person in.  It’s okay to feel a little vulnerable... that means you care.  Also, there’s much to be said for feeling vulnerable together (I bet the guy in question feels much the same way).  The potential upside is worth some risk.  In the end, though, you won’t know if you don’t try.

Taking that leap to let someone into your heart takes no small amount of courage.  Great things almost always require some degree of risk, whether it’s romance or standing up for yourself or pursuing that big dream that could change your life.  In the end, you don’t serve yourself well if you don’t show some courage and try… there are few things worse than the regret of not going for something amazing.

So whenever it is that I meet you, try to be a little patient with me.  I have a screen door of my own, just as we all do.  Eventually I will open the door, reach out, and take your hand.  Step in with me and we can be vulnerable together.  I hope you’ll let me in too.  I promise you it will be well worth the risk.

Broken Bird

Dear Whoever You Are,

A couple years ago I dated a woman named Jessica (not her real name, of course).  Very sweet and very, very cute.  I liked her right away and it seemed she felt the same way about me.  Unfortunately, over the course of a few weeks she became less and less communicative.  When she finally got in touch, she began to share more of the full scope of her life situation… and it wasn't good.  

We started spending time together again, more as friends, really.  I did what I could to help her.  I was understanding.  I was sympathetic.  All very noble, right?  Perhaps.  When I look back on it now, I can clearly see that there was something else in the back of my mind.  While I truly felt bad for her and wanted better for her, deep down I thought that if I could somehow be that caring friend and/ or help her conquer her inner demons, she might start seeing me as more than a friend.  

This is something often called Broken Bird Syndrome (variously known as Broken Wing, White Knight or Prince Charming Syndrome).  While it’s great to help others, being a “White Knight” in this case is not as altruistic at first seems, even if one’s motivation feels heroic on the surface.  When one has that “when I rescue you, you will then fall for me” mojo going (even if it lurks in the back of the mind) that’s just not going to result in a healthy relationship.

Ultimately (of course), things didn't work out.  Spending time with her started taking more and more out of me. It got to the point where every time we were together, she would end up in tears for one reason or another.  It wouldn't have been so bad, but she never seemed to take the necessary steps to right any of the wrongs in her life.  It was as if she was satisfied with her status quo and worse yet, didn't feel that she deserved any better.

Ultimately (of course) I had to walk away.  I was expending a huge amount of emotional energy for her, energy better spent on my children and my goals (the fact that she wanted to borrow money for rent might have had something to do with it too).  I realized that, as much as I may have wanted to, I couldn't fix her.

As for you, my future paramour:

I don’t mind if your life isn't perfect, and in fact I am more than willing to help you through any rough waters you might encounter.  Here’s the thing, though… you have to put in the effort too.  I’m more than happy to be your cheering section and encourage you if things get tough.

So let’s make a deal… I will have your back if you need it, just as I hope you’ll have mine.

I’ll hold you if you cry.

I’ll make you smile when you don’t think you can.

I’ll listen if you need to vent.

I’ll be there for you 100%.

And I won’t let you forget how amazing you are, even (especially) if you doubt it for a moment.

But what I won’t do is try to fix you.  That’s your job, not mine.

Faith

Dear Whoever You Are,

Faith noun: 1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: 2. belief that is not based on proof

This blog is an exercise in pure, blind faith.

Do I know for sure that I will ever meet you?   Even then, will we be able to make it work?  Will you break my heart or will I break yours?  Can we work through the inevitable speed bumps and obstacles?

Damned if I know, but blind faith beats the alternative: not trying and never knowing.

It would be easy for me to be cynical and give up.  I’ve recently been stood up, treated rudely and lied to.  Not so long before that, I had to spend some time recovering from a romantic misadventure (I imagine you’ve been there too).

In the end, I flat-out refuse to be cynical.  I know too many people who persist in stewing in their hurts and disappointments.  That’s not for me, and I hope not for you either.  Really, what’s the point?  Cynicism gets you nowhere.

The nice thing about faith is that it eventually becomes certainty.  This certainty provides one with the strength to persist even when the odds are not in your favor.  I have little doubt that I will meet you, just as I believe we’ll be able to work together to create something amazing.

The other piece of this puzzle is courage.  I’ll see you somewhere and want to approach you.  I’ll need to must muster up that “twenty seconds of insane courage” (re: my previous letter) and start a conversation. Later on I’ll have to show some courage to tell you how I really feel, even if I’m unsure where you stand.  

In any case, I will continue to have faith...

Faith that you’re out there.

Faith that you’re worth waiting for.

Faith that I’m worth it.

Faith that you’ll be willing to work for something amazing.

I hope that when the time comes you’ll have some faith too...  

In yourself.

In me.

And yes, some faith in you and me.  

So I have this friend.  She has a big heart, but unfortunately I think that heart is a little heavy of late.  She’s grown cynical.  Not that I blame her… like me, she’s been lied to and stood up.  She’s had her patience tried and tested.  Please don’t give up, my friend.  I promise you, there’s a guy out there who can’t wait to meet you.  Have faith. Your day will come, if for no other reason than you deserve it.  When that guy approaches you who’s maybe a little awkward, who stumbles over his words and isn’t quite sure what to say next… give him a chance.  He may just be that guy.

Twenty Seconds

Dear Whoever you Are,

I needed a belt.

No, not a belt of whiskey.  An actual belt that would go around my waist and presumably hold my pants up.  In the course of a number of workouts, I found that I had lost some weight, so a new belt (or two) became an imperative.  

With my three boys in tow, we headed to the nearby Goodwill. I did, of course, immediately forget about my belt quest and was drawn to the book section (nothing beats a good, cheap book, right?).  I saw an enormous mug, probably eight inches high and decorated in a birthday motif, on a shelf with some cookbooks.  I picked up the mug and hefted it.

“I don’t think this is a book,” I said to the woman standing next to me.  Perhaps not my finest witticism, but she laughed anyway, a shy yet somehow bright smile on her face. In retrospect, I suppose I should have said something more and perhaps engage her in conversation.  She was attractive to be sure and was possessed of a quiet, kind demeanor.  In short, someone I’d like to meet and get to know.

I perused the rest of the store (yes, I found a belt!) and saw her throughout.  A good deal of eye contact occurred, yet I didn’t say another word to her.  I gathered up my boys, paid for my snazzy new belt, and we went on our way.

I was kicking myself as we drove away (not literally, as that wouldn’t have been conducive to safe driving).  Why didn’t I say anything?  How hard would it have been to say something like this:
“Maybe this is a little forward, but somehow you just seem like a really cool person. Here’s my phone number… maybe you could give me a call sometime and we could grab a cup of coffee.”

The probable worst outcome would have been a polite “no”.  It’s not likely she would have laughed or pulled out a can of mace or kneed a vulnerable spot on my body.  
So what was I afraid of?  One would think I could have handled this… I’ve cold-called Fortune 500 companies.  I’ve sparred with a fourth-degree black belt. Etc. Etc.  Yet I couldn’t muster the courage to ask out this woman with a sweet face and a shy smile.

There’s a movie called We Bought a Zoo.  It’s the story of a recently widowed man who... well, buys a zoo.  He has to balance getting the zoo back in shape so he can reopen it with raising his kids, all the while mourning for his late wife. It’s a very enjoyable movie (perhaps I’ll watch it with you sometime).

At one point, the main character reminisces about the day he met his wife.  He said it took just “twenty seconds of insane courage” to approach her… twenty seconds that changed his life.

The incident at Goodwill wasn’t the first time, of course.  There was the woman at the library a couple months ago.  A couple weeks ago, the coffeeshop.  I hope none of them were you… though I have a feeling if that were the case, the universe would be kind and grant me another chance.

Next time I’ll have to find that twenty seconds of insane courage and go for it.  I’m confident that next time will come soon.  After all, the world is full of beautiful women and you are one of them.

Why I Don't Think I'll Meet You Online

Dear Whoever You Are,

I’m going to go out on a limb here and state that I’m probably not going to meet you through a dating site.  One might think that such sites would be the most likely venues to meet my future paramour, but more and more I’m thinking that won’t be the case.

Why?

I know you can spell and put together a sentence.  It’s important to understand that I’m a writer and an editor (more on that another time), so I’m hyper-aware of such things.  At the same time, it’s not as if I go through the profiles I find on OKCupid or Match.com and nitpick them as if I’m a fifth grade English teacher.  None of us are perfect (spoiler alert: I’m not perfect either).  

I’m talking about run-on sentences that are so long it’s almost impossible to figure out the point the person is trying to make in that particular sentence and it’s very confusing and makes my brain hurt and I really want the sentence to stop but it goes on and on and on and eventually I just give up on reading and move on.  

I’m talking about PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND IT MAKES ME THINK THEY’RE SCREAMING AT ME AND I DON’T LIKE THAT AT ALL.

I’m talking about people who can’t (won’t?) use something as simple as spell check.

Since I’m on the subject of discourse on dating sites, I’m guessing that any message you would send to introduce yourself would be somewhat more articulate than “hi” or “hiya” or “u wanna chat”.  I’m sure you’re aware that person on the other end wants to know a little bit about you and what’s more, why you think the two of you should meet.

I know you treat people the same way you would want to be treated.  I've been stood up recently, and guess what?  It sucked.  I wouldn't dream of doing that to anyone and I know you wouldn't either.  Somehow this veil of anonymity the internet provides gives people the license to be flat-out rude and often untruthful.  Since I know you’re a thoughtful person with a kind heart, you would never treat someone so poorly.

I know you have a positive attitude.  So many people on these sites go on and on about how they don’t want any “players” or “games” or “drama”.  Not only have such statements become the cliches of the internet, they also tell the person reading your profile absolutely nothing.  Guess what... nobody wants games or drama.  One might as well say in their profile that they don’t want to get run over by a cement truck.

People want to hear about what you want, not what you don’t want.  For example, I’d love to meet someone with some brains and class and heart, someone that has a smile that can light up a room.  Someone who makes my life better just because she’s in it.  Not too much to ask, right?

I know you have some class.  I can really do without the duckface bathroom mirror selfies and pictures of women in their early forties flashing gang signs.  Both of the above are a total turn-off to just about any man who happens to be looking for an adult relationship.  Such pictures will probably only attract the “players” and other species of men that are best avoided.

I know you want more.  I know you want more than having someone around just to pass time or stave off loneliness.  I know you want more than to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship... I see people do that from time to time and it never ends well.

I will say that online dating has yielded some good things for me.  I've met some cool people I likely wouldn't have otherwise, a couple of whom have actually become good friends.  I've also learned a lot about people in general, both good and bad. That’s always a good thing.

So as above, I’m guessing I won’t meet you through a dating site.  I suppose that begs the question of where.  I suppose I’ll figure that one out later.

Letters to Her

Dear You (whoever you are, wherever you are),

So I've been waiting awhile to meet you, just as I think you've been waiting awhile to meet me.  I know you’re out there... somewhere.  I know we’ll meet... somehow, sometime.  I know you’ll be worth the wait and I’m confident you’ll feel the same way about me.  I thought maybe I had met you a couple times, but in the end I was wrong.  
I have faith that I'll meet you one day. I wonder if it will be at the grocery store...

So what’s the purpose of this blog?  I suppose, in large part, it’s to detail the journey I took until I found you.  I also want you to know me and the kind of man I am.  In any case, I hope you enjoy what I've written for you.  I hope to see you soon.