Lessons

Dear Whoever You Are,

As I have alluded to before, I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be.  I have made at least my share of mistakes along the way.  What I always try to do, however, is learn from them.  I know, easier said than done. While I don’t always succeed, I certainly always try.

When I started writing this letter, I thought it might be interesting to hear from some others on what they’ve learned along the way.  I asked a few friends what their thoughts were, and it's been fascinating to see how similar all our experiences have been.

Above all, honesty. Sorry, Billy Joel, honesty is not a lonely word.  It is, in fact, necessary to any relationship. I don’t just mean honesty along the lines of not cheating on the person you’re with (I’ve never cheated, by the way, nor will I ever).  I’m also talking about honesty in terms of who you are, where you’re at in life and your feelings about the other person.  Truly opening the book of your life and your heart to someone else can be scary, but it is necessary.  I don’t mean blurt out your life story and open up the floodgates of your heart over coffee… more often than not this takes the form of discovery along the way.  However it happens, it’s one of the most important building blocks of any relationship, so it's critical to get it right.

Trust Your Instincts.  There was a woman I was involved with a couple years ago who, on the surface, was fantastic.  She was beautiful, kind, funny and as a very nice bonus, really liked me too.  We began a relationship, even as I ignored the proverbial voice whispering in my ear telling me no.  I all but moved in with her from the outset.  Things were great at first, but I found that the more time I spent with her, the more depressed and down on life I got. I took someone pointing that out to me for me to realize what was happening.  I walked away shortly thereafter, but I continued to feel the effects of that relationship months later.  I didn’t listen to my instincts and paid a price for it.  Rest assured, that won’t happen again.

Amazing begats amazing.  There is no doubt in my mind that you will be amazing. I've set a pretty high bar in certain ways as to who I want to be with. I imagine you have too.   I will accept nothing less than amazing, and neither should you.

True commitment.  This always a challenge.  Everyone’s heart moves at a different velocity and people frequently have different views on what commitment truly means. Ultimately (to me anyway) this boils down to effort.  You want someone who is willing to put in the effort required and fight for the relationship, even when (especially when) things get rough. That person is a keeper.  Otherwise, it’s best to move on.  A one-sided relationship can’t last.  Period.

It goes both ways.  When a relationship ends, one always wants to diagnose what went wrong and assign responsibility.  I’ve generally taken on the burden of blame for such failures, but in the end, two people were involved… therefore (unless someone did something egregiously wrong, like cheat) it’s not the fault of only one person.  

Not for its own sake. I’ve known this for a long time.  I see too many people who enter a relationship for it’s own sake… just because they’re lonely or even to have someone around to help pay the bills. I’m convinced that a vast majority of the dysfunctional relationships out there stem from being with someone just for the sake of being with someone.  

You have to ask yourself: will this person be a positive in my life?  Can I trust them?  Will we grow together, both as individuals and as a couple?

Faith and courage are required.  I’ve brought both of these up in previous letters, but both bear repeating.  It takes courage to hand someone your heart and basically give them the power to smash it all over the floor.  We all feel the same kind of fear, but if you never take that risk you’ll never get to something amazing.  It takes a great deal of faith in someone to give them that power, just as it takes faith to hold out for someone amazing.

Love not just one thing.  Some relationships are based on one thing and one thing alone… sometimes it’s just physical, but just as often, people have a specific emotional need to fulfill. A truly fulfilling (and potentially long-lasting) relationship is a holistic thing… it’s about two people merging all aspects of their lives. Maybe not all aspects right away. but at least have something more to go on than great sex or not wanting to be alone.

Love has a will of its own. I know I’m not the first one to say it, but no one can force love… in fact, the more you force it, the more likely it is to get away.  It will find you eventually, probably on the day you least expect it, likely in a way you never dreamed.  The key is to keep your eyes and your heart open… otherwise you may miss out on a great opportunity.

I will do my best to be mindful of these lessons when you and I meet.  I’m looking forward to learning about the lessons you’ve learned along the way… maybe between the two of us we’ll get this whole romance thing figured out.